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THIS Wanting to be alone, left alone.but not wanting to disappoint Him. Does Punkbuster automatically assume that you're cheating if you get all the awards? I'm not always on the roll but this is an achievement for myself and they say I cheated :banghead: This is sooooo SAD.who does this? why would she do this? how does this happen?I ran across this site. She did share with Me her shame and guilt about the drugspillsmethadonedowners.my youngest sister Ginger, was calling and I answered with dread.I was the hardest on my mother. We had a wonderful conversation. The uncomfortable expression they try so hard to hide, is ever clear. I spoke to my Mom the day before on Instant Messaging.before I could return any of the calls.we would each give her reasons why we so desperately wanted to help her.support groups for people like all of us. For this, I thank God. My aunt Pam cannot discuss these things with Me and I cannot expect her to. My mind was poisoned against her as a child by her stepmother who partly raised Me.in front of my children( I was not able to separate "being a mother and not scaring my kids" from "just finding out my own mother was dead") I don't remember much, but I was mad and screaming and pulling my hair out and could not stop screaming over and over again. Her entire life. It feels like yesterday or today even. After our conversation the day before her death. They were not hateful like I was. Her favorite was the Yahoo emoticon with the big kiss showing red lips.or falling in an instant into the dark state of a drug induced haze. She was never in the middle or moderate.and I knew something was wrong.I'll Start off this amazing new thread with a set from one of my favourite bands Nirvana1 Smells Like Teen Spirit2 Scentless Apprentice3 Breed4 About a Girl5 Been a Son6 Lounge Act7 Stay Away8 Dumb9 Heart Shaped Box10 Come As You Are11 Lithium12 Sliver13 Polly14 Rape Me15 Territorial Pissings16 Drain You17 Tourette's18 Pennyroyal Tea19 In Bloom20 The Man Who Sold The World21 All Apologies.her last few years on earth were lived with knowing her 3 daughters loved and accepted her unconditionally. My Son Luke (4-years-old) will know her as a loving and kind woman who had a fighting spirit which lives on.We loved her unconditionally and especially for Myself who had the hardest challenge of coping with her lifestyle. I try to be the wife my husband wants me to be, meanwhile I agonize over My mothers last moments. Words left unsaid and time to never be found. My mother was very spiritual and could repeat verse after verse from the Bible. I feel guilty most days because I wish it could have been different. Other times, she simply would avoid Me and my two little sisters because she could not face her shame nor could she speak about it. She did not raise Me. They want me to be strong and show no weakness. If she looked peaceful or in distress. She was always conflicted with her spiritual walk.which by the way. So, I spent most of my childhood and early adult life hating her for many reasons. Still, I can thankfully say. I wish I could have been a better daughter and not so angry for so many years. She was 48-years-old.for reasons I cannot and likely will not ever make sense of.over her kind and loving words when she was able to be a mom to me.and my Aunt Pam was desperately attempting to give her baby sister CPR."Mom is dead".as best I can. I suppose it gives them comfort. As I grew, things changed in my life and I began connecting with her regardless of her state of mind at any given time. Still, they feel guilt and ache. I had an empty feeling the entire day, but did not know what it was. And keep a smile on my face for my friends and family. Sending one another those little emoticons as we always did.my mother was the baby of her family. I noticed several calls on my blackberry near the end of that fateful day.over her voice. They don't like to speak about Her.I said "what do you mean?". Did we ignore her choices and pretend they weren't happening? Heck No.and she said.My mother died on January 30th 2009."Mom is dead". She died alone in the late morning(from the examiner's guess) and her older sister (My Aunt Pam) found her several hours later after many attempted phone calls and no answer.I finally got to Captain :clap: and think I got all the awards except eng, covop, feildop & soldier since I'm a medic.so I stopped that right away. I was the last person to be notified of her death the next day.knowing my Mother was dead.etc.was not easy to find. And sit next to my husband at night staring at the television not having a clue what is on. After all.laughing, being serious and then laughing again.sometimes she couldn't hold a phone conversation because she was slurring her words and passing out from whatever pain pill or heroin she was taking.they had been bonding for several months and I can so thankfully say that Hunter only has the most spiritual and lighthearted memories of her Grandma Karen. I listen to my younger sisters say the exact same thing and it breaks my heart in two.No one wants to hear about things like this.I threw my phone across the room. It was either revolving her life around Church and God. I keep my words silent. She would always send me that one. My little sisters always loved her no matter what. The dark feeling of emptiness. I try to be what everyone wants Me to be. I still have no real details about what she looked like or if her eyes were open or closed.I try to be the soccer mom and listen to everything my kids have to say and read books to Luke (4 year old) and help Hunter with her homework and make sure I am doing everything her school asks for. When the next map starts, I get permanantly banned. She was trembling and told Me. They don't like to hear my cries over the phone. My heart aches and I cannot explain the pain nor do I expect others to understand or even listen.being the oldest.She was always full of shame and guilt.she spoke with my daughter Hunter Nicole (10-years-old).I wait for the ache to fade