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THISHello,I am new to this list and I wish I don't have to be here but, my world was turn upside down on May 22, 2009. My son Christopher or as must people would call him topher. He hung himself in his machine shed on May 22, 2009 and he died July 28, 2009. I will start from the beginning. It was May 22 and Chris was getting rushed to the hospital and then medflighted to UW Madison. All I remember was one of the medfighter was bagging and one was on top of his chest and pushing down. He was not breathing on his own. That is the wrost thing any mothe should see. Their baby so blue and so cold to the touch. It was the worse day ever for the family. We sat around waiting for news on how he was doing. Nobody would tell me anything and then finally I was able to see him. It was only the beginning through this tragic event. Everytime something good happened, something bad happened. Well they put him in a drug induced coma and cooled his body down to prevent anymore brain damage. He had MRI's done and they say he has severe brain damage. They call it hypoxic-anoxic brain injury. He has moved his legs, hands, and head a couple times. He shakes uncontrollably and he is on seziure medication for that. That is so hard to see your baby uncontrollabe and there is nothing I can do for him. He was running a fever for a while. They cooled his body and put him on an ice bed. He would run a fever of 104.9 to 105.3. I would wetten his face and neck with ice water and singing to him. I would read is favorite bedtime story wen he was young "The three little pigs." He would give me a little bit of a smile. He really like it. The part of the brain that controls your organs was not damaged and that is why he can breathe pretty good on his own. They did a medium evoked potential test on him and his nerves react the same way ours do. But I would not understand why he could not come out o this. If his nerves would react like ours then why wasn't he coming outof this. He just got a tric put in. That is putting the breathing machine through his neck and not his mouth. He also got a feeding tube put in. When I got there I went up to Chris and started to talk to him. He instantly opened his eyes wide. It was incredible! He only did it a couple times and then it seemed as though that made him really tired. He was still shaking alot too. Then he came down with pneumonia. Then they had to drain his lungs because his white cell cout was high. They had to knock him out completly so they wouldn't puncture his lung. He has been on antibiotics the whole time, but it just wasn't getting rid of it and this was the last thing they wanted to do. He had his eyes open and they look better. He was even crying too and they say that is a good sign though, but sad at the same time. I didn't know if he was in pain or anything. They would give him morhine every 2 hours so hopefully he isn't in any pain. They did have to give him a shot in his stomach for blood clots and he didn't like that at all. He would make facial expressions when they gave him those shots. That is nice to see. He is kicking his knees up to his head, but that is involuntary. Sometime there would be 8 to 10 people holding him including me and my husband. He is turning his head and that is voluntary. He even stretch which is nice to see. Stretching like we do when we would wake up. He wiggles around alot. Not sure if he is doing it or if he is having spasms causing him to do it. Everday is a hard day for Chris and my family, but together we are trying to stay strong for Chris. We hope everyday he does some more incredible things that the doctors say he probably won't do. I couldn't help but to smile and keep talking to him the whole time his eyes are open. It was the most incredible thing to see when I saw it for the first time. He is my son my baby boy I just want him back 100%. I know that might not happen. At that time he was breathing 90% on his own. I was jumpy for joy. I knew I would get my son back. Maybe not the same Chris I knew but I just wanted him back. Anyway he would come back to me I would still love him and care for him. When I would go into his room he would open his eyes and start to cry and I would cry too. We do not know if because he was happy to be alive or he feel sad to be alive. We had so many meetings with different doctors and all of then said they can do anymore for him. I had to make a decision to keep him on a breathing machine and feeding tube the rest of his life or let him go. I thought about what Chris would want even though it hurt me so deeply and are decision is to let him go. It was the worst decision I had to make, but I know this is what he would want. The day that they removed his feeding tube and the respirator. I knew my son would not last much longer. His breaths are more shallow and his fingers are starting to turn color. I was fighting with his doctors for 67 days and 47 mins to keep him alive and finally I had to let him go. The doctors told me that we were in the unknow area with the amount of drugs they were giving him. There were days me ad my husband had to hold him down. There would be 8 to 10 people holding him down. This would last for 2 to 3 hours. But with te That was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. I wanted to make sure I have done everything in the doctors power to have my baby boy back. My brain said we try everthing but my heart said no we did not. I feel like if I was a good mother my son would never do that. I know he pick his own path but if I would have call him that morning maybe I could have stop him. I am so piss off at myself for not calling that day. I knew him and my daughter-in-law had been fighting a lot but I could not get involve in their marriage. Now I wish I would have. I do not know I was bless to have him for the 67 days and 47 mins. The last 12 hours of his life I sat on his bed with ice water and a wash cloth to wipe him down cause of a high fever. I whisper in his ear and said "Go toward the bright light. There is nothing but love and peace there. I love you and will miss you but it is time for you to go". He nestle his head on the pillow and give me a little smile. That was one of the hardest thing I had to do is tell my baby to die. I told all his doctors that I taught him how to walk, how to tie his shoes, how to cross the road with out get hit and now I have to teach he to die. How can I do that to my son who I love very much? All I know it was a nightmare to see all what he went thur. Are these feeling I am having normal or I'm I ready for the looney bin? I cry a lot cause I miss him so much. I have read it will get easier each day. When will that happened? My mind and heart is not working together. I am go to counseling once a week but it doesnt seem to help. I am so very lost. I miss him so much. Not a minute goes by that I dont think of him. Even if it is a good memory it turns instantly to sadness because I realize he is gone. I feel so empty inside. Like a but void in my life. I have 2 other children and I feel like if I would love them like I did with Chris I will lose them too. I'm afraid to get to close to them. I just could not deal with this horrible sorrow and grief that never seemed to leave me. I feel so horrible that I could not help him. I stuggle daily that it is my fault. What child would do this to their mother if I was unfit to be a mother? People at wor act different to me. Like they are afraid they will make me cry or they might say something wrong. When I hear medflight come in my town I almost go down on my knees and I start t cry. Parents should not burying their child. It was so hard to see my son in a casket. Well this is my horrible story about my son Chris who conmmited suicide. I wish no one will ever have to go thur. God Bless everyone who a member of this wonderful site.On a website, not in game.Register or Login to Remove this AdAlright, I'm a junior in high school and considering my college options. I figure since many of you are college students or played in college- whether majoring in it or not- you may be able to answer my question. I feel that at my level I could play in college, preferably orchestra, and although I don't plan to major in music, I hope to recieve a scholorship this way that would make the cost more bearable (although I love playing too) What I don't understand is when the music comes into play in this situation. Do I first apply, referencing my will to play tuba in college in my application and then wait to be accepted before trying out or whatever happens after this? Or do something before this? I really just need a basic outline or timeline of how this goes because right now I feel pretty lost with it all... Thanks