overpowering grief|Nike Air Jordan

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THISSee, this would make sense for 1. If I was old enough to drink, and 2. If it makes sense, seems like it would make my problems worse, as wine slows down your reflexes.You nearly bought me to tears, i also realised that i missed my 9 month mark on the 5th, i almost feel guilty that the day passed without me knowing. I feel guilty that i feel so much better at the moment, to the point where i can almost say i'm doing good. Doesn't mean those tears don't come, doesn't mean there's a night that passes where i don't say goodnight i love you. I feel i've reached a point where i can openly talk about him and smile without sadness, maybe because it's finally sunk in that this is for real. I want to be able to cherish those good times, not cry that he's gone, i know i can never bring him back, but i keep him alive in my own little way. I too am aware others move on and forget, for them it was a moment in their life a weeks worth of gossip in the village, to me it's like saying a dogs not just for xmas it's for life. I guess i was too busy looking forward to the 3rd May it will be 9 years since we got together and have decided to give my own bit of flower arranging a go.I visited his stone today and put some daff's down, i promised the other day after i went and saw them every where on other stones, so he has some too I did promise xxRick sounds like a wonderful man i just wish they all had that strength to get through that moment, i know there are so many of us here that had no idea and trying to figure it out just sends you round and round because it makes no sense. But i too believe that it was their time, don't know why or why this way but it was and they are at peace and smiling down on us all.Last thing we loved to play board games too i liked Monopoly but i had my own way to play and he took mick out of me lol also battle ships and any thing daft, good timesAs I sit her and write this, I can barley catch my breath, I'm crying so hard. I miss Joe so much. He was my best friend. He made me change my negative feelings about myself. I felt loved. I felt secure.It's creeping upon the 9 month mark and I'm so lonely. I can't believe this is my life. I thought I had everything figured out. I finally wed my best friend, the father of our child, after 8 wonderful years together. In what should still be my newly weded bliss, I'm in utter misery. Sometimes, like right now, the pain is near unbearable.I read my last thread just before this and made the decision to put my wedding rings back on. I'm not ready to let go of anything. I love him. I can't imagine loving anyone else ever. I miss you Joe. If you can look down & right now see this, please know how much I love you. I'm sorry if I didn't do the right things, say the right things. I'm sorry for yelling at what I didn't understand or being quiet when you needed me to say something. I wish I could have comforted you, took your pain away. I wish someone could take away my pain right now, comfort me. I hope I can be a good mom to our beautiful boy. I wish you had the strength to stay with us, if for no one or nothing else, for Joey. He's such a wonderful boy, full of life, smiles, fun. He's the reason I can eventually catch my breath. If you didn't give me that beautiful gift, I don't think I could bear to go on.I'm sorry for the rant. I'm so upset. I love & miss my husband more that I can even write. I'm getting my friendly monthly woman thing and also coming off of an anti-depressant. I feel slammed all over. Everyone is saying coming off Lexapro may be too soon, but I have issues with this med, and the xanex I'm on, knowing those things were factors in my husband's suicide, as well as alcohol and, of course the ultimate factor was the gun he used. It just feels like a bad dream and I want to wake up!! So bad. Tonight, for the first time in a while, I almost picked up the phone & dialed his shut off cell #. Can this ever really get better?!? UGH!!!